Though this is about Christian marital counseling, it’s good for single people to watch as well because in it, he connects how our relationship with God plays out in our relationship with people.
The Law & Gospel Of The First Year Of Marriage
Almost a year into marriage and this week I discovered that my approach has been all wrong.
Well, not all wrong but I’ve certainly uncovered a major flaw.
The enemies of the Gospel - and coincidentally our default modes - are legalism and license. License is easy to spot because, well, it’s rebellion that says, “That’s nice that I’m redeemed and grace is wonderful but I’m still going to live my life my way.” Legalism, in so many words says, “My good works and life are so much better than those other people’s, it’s no wonder God redeemed me.” In either case, you remain your own lord and you worship things other than God.
[Sidenote: I read a great quote by CJ Mahaney yesterday where he said, “Legalism is self-atonement, for the purpose of self-glorification, ultimately for self-worship.”]
Now, I’m sure we’re all familiar with how Jesus treated the Pharisees. He rebuked them and their self-righteousness harshly. For Christians the Pharisees are easy targets. They’re a big, soft target we can throw rocks at from the couch. It’s a label we toss on people with opinions that conflict with, and are louder than, our own. We rarely see the Pharisee in our own heart.
For almost a year Kim and I have been settling into marriage here in Mongolia. I’ve written about marriage a bit before, so I’ll cut right to the chase on this one. What I assume is true for every marriage is that most of the first year is one of stepping on land mines and feeling each other out. You learn what the other person’s routine is like, through arguments you learn what makes the other person tick, and - for us guys - with every inconceivably stupid thing you do or say, you learn where not to step.
What I realized is that I’d been keeping somewhat of a map of the minefield. I’d been noting what not to do, where not to step, what not to say, etc etc. The trouble is, I’ve found that while I might not step in the same hole twice, I stepped in holes that looked familiar enough that I should’ve identified them, but I blamed the casualties on them not being on my map of sorts. I had a list of all the the things Kim doesn’t like, a record of my own dimwitted moves. What I found was that instead of keeping me from doing new mistakes, the list just kept growing; the minefield got more elaborate.
Why did Jesus rail so sternly on the Pharisees and legalism while lifting up the humble? Why did Paul hammer on works and extol grace? Because ultimately the Gospel is about a changed heart, and legalism has never changed anyone.
This works itself out in faith by seeing God for who He is, seeing your sin for what it is, and dwelling on the amazing work that God did to make you who you are, now, as a Christian: redeemed, forgiven, adopted, reconciled, justified, loved, freed, and called among many others. In the New Testament, when Paul gets to the end of a dense theological section, he often erupts in praise and wonder. A changed heart in awe of God can’t help but worship.
Now, this works itself out in marriage similarly. Instead of simply trying not to do things wrong with Kim, I should be cultivating a heart that adores her more deeply. Instead of keeping a list of things not to do, I should constantly dwell on all of the incredible things about her and the myriad of ways I’m thankful for her. From a thankful heart flows fruit.
I encountered my inner marriage Pharisee this week; and though it’s never a fun thing to have to face, it’s incredibly liberating. When God gets a hold of you, changes you, and frees you from being your own savior or lord, you’re finally free to worship and echo Augustine when he said that men were made for God and our hearts are restless until we find Him.
So it goes with marriage. I no longer have to micromanage a list or tensely wade through a field of possibly explosive mistakes. Instead, with an eager heart growing in thankfulness, I can serve and run unbounded towards the girl God made my heart to love.
This is a long interview between Mark Driscoll and John Piper. I haven’t been able to watch all of it yet because our internet is pretty slow out here but what I’ve seen I’ve enjoyed. In it John Piper talks about his childhood, parents, and marriage, among other things. My favorite thing so far is his story about how he presented a three-page, thirteen-point paper to his wife when they were considering adopting their daughter.
Marriage & Discipleship
The best sermon series I’ve ever heard on marriage - coincidentally it was the first series I’d heard from him - was the one John Piper gave in 2007. I would drive to Biola during rush hour two nights a week to teach, and on the drive I would get so pummeled, so devastated by his messages that I would get to Biola and not remember the drive. I was at a really difficult point of my life, struggling and failing with sin and all of the shame, guilt, and pain involved in it; and God used Piper’s Biblical portrait of marriage as part of the process that freed me. The pastor so firmly founded his explanations on the Bible, that even though the sermons were on marriage (a circumstance I wasn’t in) God re-calibrated and redirected my whole Christian faith.
I read somewhere that the evidence that God still performs miracles is that He still changes men’s hearts. That’s the only way I can describe what happened to me. Change wasn’t instant, wasn’t the result of one isolated circumstance or event, did not come easy, and certainly won’t be finished this side of heaven, but having the Bible and The Gospel preached with such clarity and passion was (and is) one of the primary tools God used. Our selfishness, self-centeredness, and sin can be so pervasive and thorough that the only hammer strong enough to entirely break us is seeing the truth of who we are, and who God is, in the light of the Gospel.
When Kim and I were defining our view of marriage as a couple before we got married, these sermons played a big part of the conversation. I bring these up as an encouragement to those of you who have been married for a long time, who recently got married (we’ve sadly missed four weddings being in Mongolia), and who will one day get married. There is something to be had for each of those categories in these messages.
The good news is that John Piper is turning the series into a book.
The better news is that you can download and watch or listen to them at home, in your car, or at the gym.
I read something a few days ago that is much in line with what Piper says in that series and that I’m sure every Christian marriage can benefit from hearing as much as I do. It’s from one of my favorite blogs and, though you should read the whole thing, I’ll post the excerpt here:
—
There isn’t a marriage failure that isn’t also (and more fundamentally) a failure of discipleship, a failure as a Christian. I have thought that more times than I can possibly count, wanted to say, “You don’t get this. It isn’t simply that you need to be a more faithful husband/wife. You need to be a more faithful Christian. This isn’t just about you and Mary/Bob. This is about you and Jesus.”
Or, rephrased once again, you cannot legitimately say, “Yeah, I’m not much of a husband — but I’m a spankin’ good disciple of Christ!” Nuh-uh.
[he continues…]
“Pastor Wayne’s other point (not mine), in my own words, is that we can mess up marriage by focusing on marriage as if it were a special, detached thing, rather than simply a facet of discipleship. It’s equally an error to treat it as if it’s unrelated, and to treat it as if it’s everything. “You shouldn’t talk to your husband that way” sometimes is equally “A Christian shouldn’t talk to anyone that way”; as “You shouldn’t treat your wife like that” sometimes is equally “A Christian shouldn’t treat anyone like that.”
—
I’ve mentioned before that before I got married, my brother said to me that if I wanted to find out how selfish I was, I should get married and that if I wanted to find out how sinful I was, I should have kids. My best friend’s advice was that it didn’t matter how much preparation you did for marriage, at the end of the day when everything hits the fan, it really comes down to the character of the two people.
Taken at face value I think we’d probably all agree with both of those, but I think we need to put them in a more proper context: the context of being two Christians in a marriage. As Christians, the continental amount of selfishness that we’re shown in marriage is to be met, given, received, and corrected in the humility of the submission described in Ephesians 5. As Christians, the character that should bolster and define our marriages and help them to persevere should be the character that we not only see modeled by Jesus on earth, but the character that we see in God’s interaction with His people throughout history; a moral strength and love that pursued and forgave an unfaithful people (bride). It’s no accident that the Bible makes such heavy use of husband and wife imagery in discussing God’s relationship with His people and His church.
But…the above quote has some important questions in it; are many of the problems within a marriage there because we separate it from discipleship? Are recurring issues in marriages symptoms of an underlying sin that isn’t addressed because of that separation and because of a low view of God?
I’m only at the beginning of our marriage but I’ve been blessed to have two sets of grandparents who’ve been married for twice as long as I’ve been alive and two parents who’re closing in on 40 years together. I’m even more blessed because I’ve been able to watch friends withstand infidelities, divorce, miscarriages, broken-down businesses, and almost every other trial that can beset a marriage. I’ve been blessed to have people around me who’ve not compartmentalized their faith, but lived it out in discipleship, humility, and with character…because at the end of the day, when it all hits the fan, it really comes down to the character of the two people, where that character comes from, and where that character points them.
Our culture may tell us that the ‘power is within’ or that we can find the answer or strength in ourselves. The truth is though, as Christians, the purpose of marriage as well as the strength and character for the task, come from without. If we miss this, if we look anywhere else aside from God’s design and purpose for marriage, we will compartmentalize our faith and run aground. If we look for strength anywhere else aside from the One who lovingly created marriage and who paid our dowry at the cost of His Son’s life, then we will be overwhelmed.
From my humble viewpoint, it (correctly holding marriage and discipleship together) is a life-long endeavor for which we will always need encouragement and comfort. Before we left for Mongolia, a humorous and warm Lutheran man who’s never at a loss for a good story or advice said to me, “Nick, even when you’re married never stop dating her. I wish someone would’ve told me that when my wife and I first got married.” An older pastor who counseled me quite a bit made a point to tell us that even at their age, he and his wife still learn about each other, still go through spats, still grow through their marriage. I don’t have those years or that wisdom to offer, but I can offer what I’ve heard, what I’ve read, and the little I’ve experienced. In this case, it’s those sermons, that blog, a few thoughts, and these little stories.
I hope they serve you well.
