The Law & Gospel Of The First Year Of Marriage
Almost a year into marriage and this week I discovered that my approach has been all wrong.
Well, not all wrong but I’ve certainly uncovered a major flaw.
The enemies of the Gospel - and coincidentally our default modes - are legalism and license. License is easy to spot because, well, it’s rebellion that says, “That’s nice that I’m redeemed and grace is wonderful but I’m still going to live my life my way.” Legalism, in so many words says, “My good works and life are so much better than those other people’s, it’s no wonder God redeemed me.” In either case, you remain your own lord and you worship things other than God.
[Sidenote: I read a great quote by CJ Mahaney yesterday where he said, “Legalism is self-atonement, for the purpose of self-glorification, ultimately for self-worship.”]
Now, I’m sure we’re all familiar with how Jesus treated the Pharisees. He rebuked them and their self-righteousness harshly. For Christians the Pharisees are easy targets. They’re a big, soft target we can throw rocks at from the couch. It’s a label we toss on people with opinions that conflict with, and are louder than, our own. We rarely see the Pharisee in our own heart.
For almost a year Kim and I have been settling into marriage here in Mongolia. I’ve written about marriage a bit before, so I’ll cut right to the chase on this one. What I assume is true for every marriage is that most of the first year is one of stepping on land mines and feeling each other out. You learn what the other person’s routine is like, through arguments you learn what makes the other person tick, and - for us guys - with every inconceivably stupid thing you do or say, you learn where not to step.
What I realized is that I’d been keeping somewhat of a map of the minefield. I’d been noting what not to do, where not to step, what not to say, etc etc. The trouble is, I’ve found that while I might not step in the same hole twice, I stepped in holes that looked familiar enough that I should’ve identified them, but I blamed the casualties on them not being on my map of sorts. I had a list of all the the things Kim doesn’t like, a record of my own dimwitted moves. What I found was that instead of keeping me from doing new mistakes, the list just kept growing; the minefield got more elaborate.
Why did Jesus rail so sternly on the Pharisees and legalism while lifting up the humble? Why did Paul hammer on works and extol grace? Because ultimately the Gospel is about a changed heart, and legalism has never changed anyone.
This works itself out in faith by seeing God for who He is, seeing your sin for what it is, and dwelling on the amazing work that God did to make you who you are, now, as a Christian: redeemed, forgiven, adopted, reconciled, justified, loved, freed, and called among many others. In the New Testament, when Paul gets to the end of a dense theological section, he often erupts in praise and wonder. A changed heart in awe of God can’t help but worship.
Now, this works itself out in marriage similarly. Instead of simply trying not to do things wrong with Kim, I should be cultivating a heart that adores her more deeply. Instead of keeping a list of things not to do, I should constantly dwell on all of the incredible things about her and the myriad of ways I’m thankful for her. From a thankful heart flows fruit.
I encountered my inner marriage Pharisee this week; and though it’s never a fun thing to have to face, it’s incredibly liberating. When God gets a hold of you, changes you, and frees you from being your own savior or lord, you’re finally free to worship and echo Augustine when he said that men were made for God and our hearts are restless until we find Him.
So it goes with marriage. I no longer have to micromanage a list or tensely wade through a field of possibly explosive mistakes. Instead, with an eager heart growing in thankfulness, I can serve and run unbounded towards the girl God made my heart to love.
